Sunday, March 9, 2014

On Being a Hot Mess

Let me start by saying I've been a hot mess lately. One big HOT. MESS.

I'm graduating from college in less than two months. People keep asking me what I'll be doing after graduation, and all I can ever tell them is I don't know. People keep asking me what my life plan is, and all I can ever tell them is I don't know. People keep asking me what I want to be doing 10 years from now, and all I can ever tell them is I don't know. 

No one ever told me how hard looking for jobs would be, or how quickly rejection would take a toll on my self esteem. I've lost track of how many jobs I've applied for, and similarly, I've lost track of the number of people who haven't called me back, the number of people who haven't even acknowledged my application, the number of people who haven't wanted me. 

For the last several weeks, I've had this horrible feeling that I'll never find a job. That I'll end up homeless. That I'll disappoint anyone who's ever believed in me. That I'll never amount to anything in this world. 

I found myself sitting outside the Mt. Timpanogos Temple around 1:15 Saturday morning. (You're technically not supposed to be there between 12 and 4 a.m., but the security guard could see I was distraught and let me have some time to think.) In one of those desperate panicked moods I've increasingly found myself in lately, I had gotten in my truck and let my subconscious take me where it wanted to go. I wasn't really sure what to do with myself once I got there. Take a walk? Pray? Listen to some spiritual music?

In true Taylor fashion, I just sat there and cried. And cried, and cried, and cried.

In between my sobs, I managed to squeeze in a few prayers, asking God, "What the heck am I supposed to be doing with my life? Where do you want me to go? What do you want me to do?"

I was mildly horrified when my prayers weren't answered with an immediate jolt from heaven. Even more horrified when I went throughout my entire day on Saturday and felt literally nothing. And even more horrified when absolutely nothing struck me during church on Sunday...........Had I missed something in Sunday School when they talked about the Lord answering our prayers? Maybe I was doing something wrong?

But then, I found what I was looking for in D&C 123:17. Section 123 was revealed when Joseph Smith and others (one of my ancestors, Alexander McRae, was with Joseph in Liberty Jail, so that makes things a bit more special) were imprisoned in Liberty Jail. Section 122 is generally seen as the true gem of comfort, but today, nothing could compare to 123:17. 

"Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed."


That was it. That's what I've been searching for for weeks.

I came to the conclusion that I don't need to worry about the people who don't hire me. I don't need to worry about the people who get the jobs I wanted. I don't need to worry about all the people who mercilessly ask me what I'm doing with my life. I don't need to worry about the people who have jobs and seem like they have their lives figured out. Because at the end of the day, worrying about all the things that aren't in my power is only going to make me more miserable, more insecure and more frightened about the future than I already am. 

All that matters is that I cheerfully do everything I can that's in my power, whether that's applying for jobs, working hard in school, being nice to people I interact with everyday, actually remembering to pay my rent on time....all of it. The sooner I (or you, or whoever) can figure out how to do that, the sooner we'll all be less of a big HOT MESS.

I still have no idea where I'll be after April 25. I still have no idea if I'll ever get a job. What I do know is that things are going to work out. 

Elder Holland said it best: "Whenever these moments of our extremity come, we must not succumb to the fear that God has abandoned us or that He does not hear our prayers. He does hear us. He does see us. He does love us. When we are in dire circumstances and want to cry “Where art Thou?” it is imperative that we remember He is right there with us—where He has always been! We must continue to believe, continue to have faith, continue to pray and plead with heaven, even if we feel for a time our prayers are not heard and that God has somehow gone away. He is there. Our prayers are heard."

If you have 9 minutes, this video is 110% worth watching. (It has some strong Christmas themes, but who doesn't love Christmas in March?)

Always remember to look to the light!