On Being a Hot Mess

Let me start by saying I've been a hot mess lately. One big HOT. MESS.

I'm graduating from college in less than two months. People keep asking me what I'll be doing after graduation, and all I can ever tell them is I don't know. People keep asking me what my life plan is, and all I can ever tell them is I don't know. People keep asking me what I want to be doing 10 years from now, and all I can ever tell them is I don't know. 

No one ever told me how hard looking for jobs would be, or how quickly rejection would take a toll on my self esteem. I've lost track of how many jobs I've applied for, and similarly, I've lost track of the number of people who haven't called me back, the number of people who haven't even acknowledged my application, the number of people who haven't wanted me. 

For the last several weeks, I've had this horrible feeling that I'll never find a job. That I'll end up homeless. That I'll disappoint anyone who's ever believed in me. That I'll never amount to anything in this world. 

I found myself sitting outside the Mt. Timpanogos Temple around 1:15 Saturday morning. (You're technically not supposed to be there between 12 and 4 a.m., but the security guard could see I was distraught and let me have some time to think.) In one of those desperate panicked moods I've increasingly found myself in lately, I had gotten in my truck and let my subconscious take me where it wanted to go. I wasn't really sure what to do with myself once I got there. Take a walk? Pray? Listen to some spiritual music?

In true Taylor fashion, I just sat there and cried. And cried, and cried, and cried.

In between my sobs, I managed to squeeze in a few prayers, asking God, "What the heck am I supposed to be doing with my life? Where do you want me to go? What do you want me to do?"

I was mildly horrified when my prayers weren't answered with an immediate jolt from heaven. Even more horrified when I went throughout my entire day on Saturday and felt literally nothing. And even more horrified when absolutely nothing struck me during church on Sunday...........Had I missed something in Sunday School when they talked about the Lord answering our prayers? Maybe I was doing something wrong?

But then, I found what I was looking for in D&C 123:17. Section 123 was revealed when Joseph Smith and others (one of my ancestors, Alexander McRae, was with Joseph in Liberty Jail, so that makes things a bit more special) were imprisoned in Liberty Jail. Section 122 is generally seen as the true gem of comfort, but today, nothing could compare to 123:17. 

"Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed."

LET US CHEERFULLY DO ALL THINGS THAT LIE IN OUR POWER.

That was it. That's what I've been searching for for weeks.

I came to the conclusion that I don't need to worry about the people who don't hire me. I don't need to worry about the people who get the jobs I wanted. I don't need to worry about all the people who mercilessly ask me what I'm doing with my life. I don't need to worry about the people who have jobs and seem like they have their lives figured out. Because at the end of the day, worrying about all the things that aren't in my power is only going to make me more miserable, more insecure and more frightened about the future than I already am. 

All that matters is that I cheerfully do everything I can that's in my power, whether that's applying for jobs, working hard in school, being nice to people I interact with everyday, actually remembering to pay my rent on time....all of it. The sooner I (or you, or whoever) can figure out how to do that, the sooner we'll all be less of a big HOT MESS.

I still have no idea where I'll be after April 25. I still have no idea if I'll ever get a job. What I do know is that things are going to work out. 

Elder Holland said it best: "Whenever these moments of our extremity come, we must not succumb to the fear that God has abandoned us or that He does not hear our prayers. He does hear us. He does see us. He does love us. When we are in dire circumstances and want to cry “Where art Thou?” it is imperative that we remember He is right there with us—where He has always been! We must continue to believe, continue to have faith, continue to pray and plead with heaven, even if we feel for a time our prayers are not heard and that God has somehow gone away. He is there. Our prayers are heard."

If you have 9 minutes, this video is 110% worth watching. (It has some strong Christmas themes, but who doesn't love Christmas in March?)



Always remember to look to the light!

2013 — The Traveler's Chant

So usually I write really deep, sappy New Year's blog posts. I was too lazy to do that this year. So enjoy a nice song and some lovely pictures instead!

This song pretty much became my theme song this year. Press play.

2013 was pretty rad. I did lots of awesome things.

1. I moved to freaking GERMANY!!

FRANKFURT!!!!!!!!! Best city in all of Germany!

Schoneck-Kilianstadten! My happy little village!

Left: Wurzburg. Right: My FIRST wiener schnitzel in Rothenburg ob der Tauber *drool*.

View of Heidelberg from the castle!

Middle of nowhere museum.

2. I made new friends. 

The Cravens were kind enough to take me on all of their German adventures!

Left: Stephan and the Taylors. Right: Stephan! Miss him so much :(

Gwynners!

Thomas. Aka the classiest 6-year-old British kid EVER.

Dylan and Jake are both on missions now and I kiiiiinda miss them a ton.

I got to work with the Europe Area Public Affairs staff for three months and it was a freaking BLAST. Such good people!

3. And got closer to some old ones.

Hobo camping with these fools. We go way back.

Left: Green River Sunday adventure with Nick n Nate! Right: FREE DOUBLE CHOCOLATE DONUTS with Trenty boy right before I left for Germany!

Left: Cody freaking Johnson. Hadn't seen him in two years! Right: Steve-o's 21st birthday bash!

 

4. I went to Belgium and it was glorious.

Yeah, I fell in love with Brussels instantly.

Left: The Atomium! Right: My first Belgian waffle DID NOT disappoint.

5. I landed a job as editor-in-chief of BYU's newspaper.

Holla.

JOURNALISM.

6. I went on lots of adventures.

We were out shooting over Thanksgiving break and thought it would be a good idea to blow up a toilet because we're hillbillies and that's what hillbillies do.

Wyoming sunsets are the best sunsets.

Left: Fort Worth Stockyards by night. Right: On the way to the top of Mt. Timpanogos!

We finished up Conference weekend by taking a lovely drive! Overlooking Utah Lake and Springville. Squaw Peak Road is easily one of the most scenic drives in Utah. 

I wandered around Potsdam, Germany all by myself without a map and I didn't get lost or die and I'm pretty proud of myself for that.

I GOT TO MEET ELDER JEFFREY R. HOLLAND! I got to hear him speak to church members in Leest, Germany, and it was easily the coolest thing I've ever experienced.

We roadtripped it to Moab the weekend Utah paid to open all of its National Parks!

Hello, Delicate Arch! Nature is wonderful.

My daddy at Cedar Creek, Texas!

7. I took lots of pictures of people.

Erik gettin his GQ on.

Left: Cody gettin his gas station on. Right: Nathan being an idiot.

Baby Xander!

Momma Street and Cam in Washington.

8. I went to a bunch of concerts.

JASON ALDEAN AND JAKE OWEN BROKE GEORGE STRAIT'S CHEYENNE FRONTIER DAYS CONCERT RECORD AND I WAS THERE FOR IT!!!!

Left: Tim McGaw! Seriously the best concert I've ever been to. Right: Luke Bryan's equipment wouldn't work because it had rained all prior to and during his concert, so he sang his entire set acoustically and I thought I was going to die and go to heaven.

Left: MACKLEMORE! (P.S. I did not take this photo and was definitely not that close, but all my pictures were terrible so, thanks Google!) Right: The BIEBS. 

9. I turned 22. 

And am proud to say I have NOT ONCE listened to the Taylor Swift song.

My momma recreated the train cake she made me when I was 3!

10. I became a better person. 

Probably the closest thing to a selfie you'll ever see of me.

2013 had its fair share of ups and downs. Challenges. Triumphs. New experiences. 

I lived in a foreign country. I got straight A's. I ran like a bajillion miles. I got addicted to German chocolate. I learned how to take pretty pictures. I sent out my first real job applications. I bought my first designer accessory. I ate eight donuts in one night and not a care was given. I got over a guy I had been head over heels for. I rode hundreds of trains and busses. I got my truck dirtier than it has ever been. I explored old castles. I spent a lot of time alone. I got outside of my comfort zone. I learned new things. I overcame adversity.

And, most importantly, I loved life.

And I intend to do the same thing in 2014. Hopefully you'll do the same, too. Cheers to being awesome!

Don't wait this year to be happy!

Photo final!

This semester, I took a photography class. I really just wanted to learn how to use the camera I got last year for Christmas, but I came out with so much more than that. Sappiness aside, I got to do some pretty freakin' rad things and I took some sweet pictures.

I presented my final project this week — a very scary, intimidating task. I was afraid of rejection and I was afraid no one would like my concept, my pictures or me.

Because, after all, my project was extremely personal. I took my favorite songs (the ones that have hundreds of plays on my iTunes) and decided to represent them in a photo. Since all of them are country songs, I thought I'd go shoot a few horses, some nice landscapes, maybe a truck or two and call it a day. What I ended up with was a lot of self-reflection, some really good memories and the closure I needed most in my life. And of course a few really cool pictures.

Here they are: my "Melodies and Memories."

"There ain't a corner of this hallow ground that we ain't laughed or cried on. It's where we loved, lived and learned real life stuff. It's everything we're made of."
Tattoos on This Town — Jason Aldean

"Wouldn't last a single day, I'd probably just fade away. Without you, I'd lose my mind. Before you ever came along, I was living life all wrong. The smartest thing I ever did was make you all mine."
Crazy Girl — Eli Young Band

"My favorite color is neon, the light they always leave on. A weekend on the rocks, an old school jukebox with a little Johnny Lee on."
Neon — Chris Young

"Strong, like a river rollin', strong, gonna keep on goin', strong. When the road runs out, they're gonna keep on talkin' about how he was strong."
Strong — Will Hoge

"He aimed his truck toward that Wyoming line. With a little luck he could get there in time, and in that Cheyenne wind he could still hear her say...She said, "Don't bother comin' home. By the time you get here I'll be long gone. There's somebody new and he sure ain't no rodeo man."
I Can Still Make Cheyenne — George Strait

"I have weathered colder winters; longer summers, without a drop of rain. Push me in a corner and I'll come out fighting. I may lose, but I always keep my faith."
Country Strong — Gwyneth Paltrow

"God's lookin' down from that sky blue ceilin', he made these old country roads for drivin' and dreamin'."
Two Lanes of Freedom — Tim McGraw

"'Cause I've been sittin' on the front porch, watchin' the world go round. Through the eyes of a fool, head like a rock, my whole world tumbling down."
Take Me Away — Hayes Carll

"I don't know how to tell you what you want to hear. You see, guys like me, we just disappear. And you deserve someone who will never leave, but girl, the last few days are the best we'll ever be."
Clouds — David Nail

"I gotta be where I can see those Rocky Mountains, ride my horse and watch an eagle fly. I gotta live my life and write my songs beneath these Western skies."
Western Skies — Chris LeDoux

"For some ol' redneck reason, sometimes I get the feelin' maybe I give too much of a damn. I'm a little old fashioned leanin', out of style and out of season, but I reckon that's just the way I am."
For Some Ol' Redneck Reason — Justin Moore

"Funny how a melody sounds like a memory, like the soundtrack to a July Saturday night."
Springsteen — Eric Church

Thank you to everyone who helped me get this bad boy done! I took about 600 pictures and edited about 130 before narrowing it down to the final 12!
Thank you to my momma for buying me the camera in the first place, to my uncle Phil and my cousins for carting me all over east Texas during Thanksgiving break so I could get the pictures I wanted, to my many friends and family members who accompanied me on all my adventures and, of course, to Trent for being my cowboy model and posing when it was a mere 9 degrees outside.

Happy finals week!