Tuesday, September 11, 2012

How Tupac saved my life.

^^^Take a listen while you read.

I was 18 when I was struck with this crazy realization. No matter how hard things get, no matter how sad we get, no matter what life throws at us, life goes on. Seriously. Life goes on.

I had just suffered my first real heartbreak and I remember lying in bed at night crying and crying. It was the first time I discovered intense emotional pain can also cause intense physical pain, the first time I literally cried myself to sleep, the first time I found myself wishing I was someone else.

And that's how I've felt lately.

I was so excited to get back to Provo after a very, very long summer. But now that I'm here, I feel lost. Confused. Like I got off the bus at the wrong stop and am struggling to figure out how to get to the right place.

Sappy details aside, I've been completely miserable. Like, depressing country music playing 24/7 kind of miserable. But, in my opinion, I've been doing a pretty good job of concealing it. Which, as many of us know, tends to make you even more miserable.

Then, I started sorting through the folder "useless junk" on my laptop and came upon this gem:
Oh, Tupac. Not generally one I look to for inspiration, but hey, he has a good point.

It was at that moment I paused my depressing country music playlist and put on my "wanna feel like a bada**?" playlist. Which included "The Fighter" by Gym Class Heroes.
"Everytime you fall it's only making your chin strong."

It was a moment of clarity. I think it was one of God's tender mercies. It's like he was saying, "You're better and stronger than this. Pull your head out of your butt."
"Give me scars, give me pain. And they'll say to me, say to me, say to me, 'There goes the fighter.'"

I've always known life isn't always going to be roses and butterflies. But in that moment, I realized there sure as hell won't be any roses and butterflies at all if I'm constantly focused on all the thorns and poisonous caterpillars.
"'Til the referee rings the bell, 'til both your eyes start to swell, 'til the crowd goes home, what we gon' do y'all?
Give 'em hell."

And I think that's all there is to it. Fighting. Happiness doesn't come easily. Happiness isn't a given. Happiness is a choice you make ahead of time. The time to put your fightin' pants on is when things are the darkest, the scariest, the most miserable.

Because it's in that moment that you find out who you really are: a butterfly or a caterpillar.


  1. You should write an article about Tupac for the Universe.

  2. I'm proud of you for recognizing that happiness is a choice...your choice. I'm even more proud that you have chosen to look past the garbage and see the possibilities.